Asexuality is a sexual identity that describes some degree of no or lack of sexual attraction. The Asexuality Spectrum is a collection of sexual identities that share some degree of no or lack of sexual attraction but vary in how that lack of attraction manifests or is experienced. Someone who is Asexual or Ace is someone who identifies on the asexuality spectrum.
It is impossible to summarize asexuality and the Ace community into a few short paragraphs on a webpage. Asexuality is not one thing, it is a great many things, and the community as a whole is built on the existence of a spectrum of different experiences with sexual attraction, libido, sexual behavior, sexual desire, and one’s own subjective perspective on these experiences. So, I will not try to summarize asexuality and all it’s facets. Rather, I will speak briefly on a few parts of the story and offer some resources on exploring the rest.
Often, individuals wondering if they may be within the asexuality community will grapple with questions about whether their specific experience with sexuality, sex, attraction, or desire aligns with “real asexuality”. When I say “real asexuality” in this context, I’m referring to an idea that, to be able to call oneself asexual, one’s experience must align with an objective list of criteria that represents asexuality and defines who is asexual and who is not. What many find out as they explore these question, is that there is no “real asexuality”. Asexuality, at the end of the day, is an identity. Anyone may choose to identify with asexuality if that is how they view themselves.
Regardless of whether someone does identify with the asexuality community, the concerns that often touch the lives of asexual individuals and allosexual (non-asexual) individuals. For example: Have you or somebody you’ve known been shamed or felt shame about not having enough sex or not having a first sexual encounter soon enough in life? How about not wanting sex when others think you should? Have you or someone you’ve known been pressured or felt pressure to not be single? Have you or someone you’ve known felt ‘less than’ for not being in a relationship?
Some of these experiences touch on ideas and concepts, like sexism, toxic masculinity, and the values that we hold as a society regarding relationships, the makeup of a quality life, and worthiness. These ideas also are perpetuated by the assumption that all people experience sexual and romantic attraction or need to seek romantic or sexual experiences to be worthy or fullfilled in life. In the asexuality community, this is often referred to as allonormativity and amatonormativity.
All and all, asexuality, and all it’s interrelated concepts, experiences, and expressions, is both intensely unique for every individual and inherently apart of a community of shared experience. And both Ace individuals and allosexual folks, can gain by exploring our relationships with allonormativity and amatonormativity.
If you feel like you struggle with a lack of sexual attraction or are just looking for support with your current identity (whether on the Ace spectrum or not), please feel free to reach out. I would be happy to help you with exploring your relationship with sexuality, sexual identity, and how it’s impacted your life.
Allison Goukler, LMSW
469-294-3779
Allison@realisticexpectations.net
Often, individuals wondering if they may be within the asexuality community will grapple with questions about whether their specific experience with sexuality, sex, attraction, or desire aligns with “real asexuality”. When I say “real asexuality” in this context, I’m referring to an idea that, to be able to call oneself asexual, one’s experience must align with an objective list of criteria that represents asexuality and defines who is asexual and who is not. What many find out as they explore these question, is that there is no “real asexuality”. Asexuality, at the end of the day, is an identity. Anyone may choose to identify with asexuality if that is how they view themselves.
Regardless of whether someone does identify with the asexuality community, the concerns that often touch the lives of asexual individuals and allosexual (non-asexual) individuals. For example: Have you or somebody you’ve known been shamed or felt shame about not having enough sex or not having a first sexual encounter soon enough in life? How about not wanting sex when others think you should? Have you or someone you’ve known been pressured or felt pressure to not be single? Have you or someone you’ve known felt ‘less than’ for not being in a relationship?
Some of these experiences touch on ideas and concepts, like sexism, toxic masculinity, and the values that we hold as a society regarding relationships, the makeup of a quality life, and worthiness. These ideas also are perpetuated by the assumption that all people experience sexual and romantic attraction or need to seek romantic or sexual experiences to be worthy or fullfilled in life. In the asexuality community, this is often referred to as allonormativity and amatonormativity.
All and all, asexuality, and all it’s interrelated concepts, experiences, and expressions, is both intensely unique for every individual and inherently apart of a community of shared experience. And both Ace individuals and allosexual folks, can gain by exploring our relationships with allonormativity and amatonormativity.
If you feel like you struggle with a lack of sexual attraction or are just looking for support with your current identity (whether on the Ace spectrum or not), please feel free to reach out. I would be happy to help you with exploring your relationship with sexuality, sexual identity, and how it’s impacted your life.
Allison Goukler, LMSW
469-294-3779
Allison@realisticexpectations.net
Recommended Reading:
*The above links will take you to Bookshop.org which is an online store that financially supports local independent bookstores. Realistic Expectations, PLLC and Allison Goukler, LMSW have no financial relationship with Bookshop.org.
- Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex By Angela Chen (Bookshop.org)
- The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker (Bookshop.org)
- Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown (Bookshop.org)
- Asexual Erotics: Intimate Readings of Compulsory Sexuality by Ela Przybylo (Bookshop.org)
*The above links will take you to Bookshop.org which is an online store that financially supports local independent bookstores. Realistic Expectations, PLLC and Allison Goukler, LMSW have no financial relationship with Bookshop.org.
Asexuality Related Resources:
- AVEN (asexuality.org)
- Aces and Aros (acesandaros.org)
- Aro/Aces of Color (aroacesofcolor.tumblr.com)
- Arocalypse (arocalypse.com)
- Aurea (aromanticism.org)
- Demisexuality Resource Center (demisexuality.org)
- Resources for Ace Survivors (asexualsurvivors.org)
- The Asexuality Handbook (https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/home.html)
- Asexual Outreach (asexualoutreach.org)
- National LGBTQ Task Force (thetaskforce.org)
- The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (taaap.org)
- Unmarried Equality (unmarried.org)
- The Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-asexuality/)
- Ace Week (https://aceweek.org/)